Absoludricous Bond non-girl monickers

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We all know women in the James Bond world have ridiculous names. Someone who’s barely significant in a single scene will off-handedly be named something like “Jenny Flex” or “Molly Warmflash”. But after seeing the pivotal butterfly puppeteer assassination in A View To A Kill, I wondered if that scene featured a particularly ridiculously-named man — or if there are ridiculously named men are more common than I think. Here are the ones I came up with (aside from the obvious henchmen: Jaws, Oddjob, Tee Hee, Nick Nack, etc.)

Achille Aubergine (Jean Rougerie, A View To A Kill)

Morton Slumber (David Bauer, Diamonds Are Forever)

Nigel Small-Fawcett (Rowan Atkinson, Never Say Never Again)

Professor Joe Butcher (Wayne Newton, Licence To Kill)

Puss-Feller (Lester Pendergast, Dr. No)

Auric Goldfinger (Gert Fröbe, Goldfinger)

Think about it. That name is horrible. Just idiotic.

Sir Godfrey Tibbett (Patrick Macnee, A View To A Kill)

In A View To A Kill Bond gets an age-appropriate partner for once, MI6’s horse expert Sir Godfrey Tibbett (second from right, above). Roger Moore and Patrick Macnee also once played Holmes and Watson.

Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens, Die Another Day)

It would take an odd sequence of events to produce someone named “Gustav Graves”. This also applies to “Franz Sanchez” (Robert Davi) from Licence to Kill.

Mr. Kil (Lawrence Makoare, Die Another Day)

He’s just a henchman with a nickname. But I wanted to post this picture.

Why Morgan the Goat is called “Morgan the Goat”

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Knowing as I do the search results that bring people to The Ascetic Sensualists, I believe most people who find this site either find what they are looking for, are looking for something I am not able to provide [e.g. “domestic violence with children in scotland posters in public domain” or “charles aznavour armenian autograph“], or have a request that will easily be answered elsewhere [e.g. “what was parallax ‘s name before being evil” or “pilgrim kick her in the balls wallace gif“].

That vest, those sideburns ... caprine.

There’s also one question that I should have answered in my post on the topic, but didn’t. There are many people in the world who have enjoyed the classic nostalgic pastoral comedy The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain and are curious as to why Colm Meaney’s character Morgan is called “Morgan the Goat”. I hope this post will satisfy those queries.

As you know if you’ve watched the movie, Welshmen only have a handful of surnames, like North Koreans, and in provincial regions they only have a handful of first names as well. So the yokels in TEWWUAHBCDAM are commonly referred to by their profession or other distinguishing feature, such as “Williams the Petroleum”, “Johnny Shellshocked”, and my personal favorite “Davies the School”.

In the case of Morgan the Goat, I believe “the Goat” is a reference to his propensity for randy lustfulness. It doesn’t quite fit with occupation-based monickers like “Thomas the Trains”, but it’s more evocative than “Morgan the Inn” or “Morgan the Pub”. His name is Morgan, and his distinguishing characteristic is sexuality. He’s the one the gossips all gossip about, rolling in the hay with this wench or that. In British tradition, goats are associated with sexuality, connected to the Greek god Pan, satyrs, joyful fertility, and so forth.

That’s why he’s called “Morgan the Goat”.

Click here [warning: PDF] for a discussion of the god Pan in British literature of the Victorian and Edwardian eras, by one Dr. Richard Stromer, who may be a crackpot but has extensive historical knowledge.

Pan’s erotic nature, like that of the satyrs with whom he often kept company, was largely oriented toward the pursuit of purely carnal gratification. In part, this aspect of Pan is related to his role as guardian and facilitator of the fertility of herding animals. More significantly, however, Pan’s erotic appetites and ithyphallic image are simply a reflection of his own goat-like nature.

Where’d he get that J?

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Inspired by the Bulls-Pacers series that features A.J. Price, C.J. Watson, and T.J. Ford, I looked at the last 30 years of NBA players who use the ?.J. style of moniker. Is it more often an abbreviation of the first and middle names, or the first name followed by a “Junior”? Or just a nickname, like B.J. Upton?*

First name + Junior:

  • B.J. Armstrong [Benjamin Roy, Jr.]
  • C.J. Miles [Calvin Andre, Jr.]
  • C.J. Watson [Charles Akeem, Jr.]
  • D.J. Augustin [Darryl Gerard, Jr.]
  • D.J. Strawberry [Darryl Eugene, Jr.]
  • D.J. White [Dewayne, Jr.]
  • J.J. Hickson [James Edward, Jr.]


  • A.J. Bramlett [Aaron Jordan]
  • A.J. English [Albert Jay]
  • A.J. Guyton [Arthur James]
  • A.J. Price [Anthony Jordan]
  • B.J. Tyler [Brandon Joel]
  • O.J. Mayo [Ovinton J’Anthony]
  • T.J. Ford [Terrance Jerod]


  • J.J. Anderson [Mitchell Keith Anderson]
    [resemblance to Jimmy “J.J. Walker]
  • J.J. Redick [Jonathan Clay Redick]
    [reduplicative sibling mispronunciation]
  • P.J. Brown [Collier Brown, Jr.]
    [from “peanut butter and jelly”?]
  • P.J. Tucker [Anthony Leon Tucker, Jr.]
    [from “Pops junior”]

It’s a damn mystery:

* [stay tuned for corresponding results from the world of baseball]

16 metal frontmen with non-metal names


  • Brook Reeves [Impending Doom]
  • Chance Garnette [Skeletonwitch]
  • Schuylar Croom [He Is Legend]
  • Ross Dolan [Immolation]
  • Lindsay Dawson [Demoniac]
  • Liam Cormier [Cancer Bats]
  • Liam Cromby [We Are the Ocean]
  • Mike Score [All Out War]

L-R: Mike Score, Frank Maudsley, Paul Reynolds, Ali Score

  • Earl Ruwell [Into the Moat]
  • Winston McCall [Parkway Drive]
  • Merv Hembrough [Burning Skies]
  • Walter Schreifels [Quicksand / Rival Schools]
  • Chester Bennington [Linkin Park]
  • Buddy Nielsen [Senses Fail]
  • W. Whitfield Crane IV [Ugly Kid Joe]
  • Howard Jones [Killswitch Engage]

Not that one

36 evocatively named agricultural diseases

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Sources: Oregon State, NDSU, Penn StateWashington State, Cornell, Alabama A&M / AuburnWikipedia

To my boss and concerned family members: This took about an hour.

  • Gummy stem blight
  • Punky bulb
  • Young vine decline
  • Crown gall
  • Dwarf smut
  • Oat blast
  • Soilborne oat mosaic
  • Karnal bunt
  • Thousand Cankers Disease
  • Pasmo
  • Basil Downy Mildew [British poet laureate 1892-1896]
  • Victoria Blight [Wimbledon semifinalist 1924]
  • Kabatina tip blight
  • Cabbage maggot
  • Clubroot of crucifers
  • Anthracnose of cucurbits
  • Black leg of rapeseed
  • Verticillium wilt
  • St. Augustine Decline
  • Crazy top
  • Glume blotch
  • Black wood vessel
  • Mummyberry
  • Motley dwarf
  • Sun scald
  • Spur blight
  • Apple stem grooving virus
  • Artichoke Italian latent virus
  • Beet black scorch virus
  • Beet distortion mosaic virus
  • Beet western yellows virus
  • High plains virus
  • Rice ragged stunt virus
  • Tomato bushy stunt virus
  • Tulip breaking virus
  • Potato Virus X