18 Titles That Might Introduce Fresh New Ideas Into The DIE HARD Franchise

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18. A Kiss Before Dying Hard

17. To Die Hard, To Sleep Hard, Perchance To Dream Hard

16. Dying Hard, Or Hardly Dying?

15. A Day No Pigs Would Die Hard

14. Whom The Gods Love Die Hard

13. Prop Me Up Beside The Jukebox If I Die Hard

12. Die Hard Stay Prettysamuel-jackson-bruce-willis-phone

11. Die Hard Stay Pretty II: Die Hard! Die Hard! My Darling!

10. Die Hard Star Pretty III: What Can You Say About A 25-Year-Old Girl Who Died Hard?

9. Get Me Away From Here, I’m Dying Hard

8. (I Just) Died Hard In Your Arms

7. Hope I Die Hard Before I Get Old

6. Dracula: Dead, Hard, And Loving It

5. Skate Or Die Hard

4. Skate Or Die Hard II: Surf Nazis Must Die Hard

3. The Young May Die Hard, But The Old Must

2. Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori Durum

1. He Dies Hard For The Money, So You Better Treat Him Right

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Sixteen bitchy comments from John Simon’s “Movies Into Film: Criticism 1967-1970”

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“There are several so-called critics—reviewers—who really hate my guts. There is one who slams a door in my face if he happens to pass through it ahead of me. But who cares? It’s wonderful to be hated by idiots.”

  1. Susannah York is unconvincing at everything: lesbianism, childishness, acting…
  2. Paul Simon’s lyrics alternate between nauseating poeticism (“Hello darkness, my old friend … Silence like a cancer grows … The words of the prophet are written on the subway wall … The sound of silence:) and trashy folksiness (“Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson: Jesus loves you more than you can know”), and are set to his and Garfunkel’s music that is not so much rock as rock bottom. Nichols keeps reprising these decompositions, until the soundtrack resembles the streets of New York during the garbage collectors’ strike.
  3. The kids themselves, with the exception of Cathy Burns (Rhoda), are not particularly good actors, and Barbara Hershey (Sandy, and not a kid anymore) looks, regrettably, much better with her bikini top on than off. Miss Burns, on the other hand, is an extremely accomplished little actress, but also insuperably homely — she looks, in fact, like a pink beach ball with a few limbs and features painted on it. There is no excuse for Rhoda’s being a positive freak, and making us feel she is damned lucky to have been raped at all.
  4. Even more unpleasant, though, is Mimsy Farmer’s breathy Marilyn Monroe-Jackie Kennedy English, in which “charcoal,” for instance, is pronounced “chuhkuh,” the uh’s representing gusts of breath. An altogether dispensable girl, this Mimsy, looking and acting like a cross between Sandy Dennis and a young Lizabeth Scott, with added suggestions of Jean Seberg and a death’s-head.
  5. Paul McCartney, a chubbily handsome young man, appears quite pleasant with, or despite, his generation-shaping look. But the others! Particularly grubby are John Lennon and his worse half, Yoko Ono, who sits, smug and possessive, almost always within touching distance of him. Flouting, it would seem, even minimal sanitary measures, their hair looks like a Disneyland for the insect world, and their complexions appear to be portable bacterial cultures.
  6. God only knows where the notion that Miss Lansbury has class originated; perhaps her vestigial lower-middle-class English accent passes for that in our informed show-biz circles. She is, in fact, common; and her mugging, rattling-off or steam-rollering across her lines, and camping around merely make her into that most degraded thing an outré actress can decline into: a fag hag.
  7. Mlle Deneuve can portray a cool clotheshorse with a schoolgirl emotion or two very nicely, as in La Chamade; beyond that her histrionic pittance will not stretch.
  8. Stéphane Audran (Mme Chabrol — which explains a thing or two, though not everything) combines the vacuous, far-off gaze of a blind explorer with a surly, pinched delivery of lines as if they were shoes several sizes too small.
  9. Joanna is played by Geneviève Waite, a piece of fluff with a thinnish sound piped into it (for all our advances in electronics, automata have not yet acquired fully human voices), and sliding whichever way the ground underneath inclines. As her ebony lover, Calvin Lockhart is like beautiful; as her lordly but moribund mentor, Donald Sutherland is nauseating: Toad of Toad Hall’s conception of Oscar Wilde.
  10. The only absolute liability, in fact, is Irina Demick. When she was Darryl Zanuck’s special protegée, no further question was necessary; now that Zanuck’s attention has moved on, one must emphatically ask why Miss Demick remains.
  11. It is regrettable to have both leading ladies in such a dashing film seemingly vie with each other for this year’s Homeliness Award, just as it is misguided to entrust the gallantly swashbuckling lead to David Hemmings, who, besides being a mediocre actor, looks in long shots like something out of Planet of the Apes.
  12. Huston has directed in a bored and lackluster fashion, and his performing of a minor role is deplorably leprechaunish. The ending of the picture is an absolute botch, and there is a perfectly blank, supremely inept performance by Huston’s daughter, Anjelica, who has the face of an exhausted gnu, the voice of an unstrung tennis racket, and a figure of no describable shape.
  13. Jean-Marie Patte seems miscast as Louis; he would have been much better as the protagonist of The Blob.
  14. Meyer was equipped with a co-scenarist, the aforementioned Mr. Ebert, film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times and, by all accounts, a rather fey put-on artist.
  15. Miss Hepburn’s quality was and will be that of an offbeat, madcap debutante, and she has now simply entered the emerita division of the same category. Her Aurelia is all huskily doddering sexiness and girlish flutters, senior division. When you think of the great Marguerite Moreno, who created the role, and then look at this performance, exact replicas of which have already earned Miss Hepburn two ill-deserved Oscars, you may wish to forsake the auditorium for the vomitorium.
  16. But just how garish her commonplace accent, squeakily shrill voice, and the childish petulance with which she delivers her lines are, my pen is neither scratchy nor leaky enough to convey. The once pretty face has become coarse, though from a distance it can still look good — but only if it avoids any attempt at expression, as, to be sure, it not infrequently does. Only the bosom keeps implacably marching on — or down, as the case may be — but I do not feel qualified to be the Xenophon of this reverse anabasis.

1 – The Killing of Sister George [Robert Aldrich], December 1968
2 – The Graduate [Mike Nichols], February 1968
3 – Last Summer [Frank Perry], July 1969
4 – More [Barbet Schroeder], September 1969
5 – Let It Be [Michael Lindsay-Hogg], June 1970
6 – Something for Everyone [Hal Prince], August 1970
7 – Mississippi Mermaid [François Truffaut], April 1970
8 – Les Biches [Claude Chabrol], December 1968
9 – Joanna [Michael Sarne], February 1969
10 – The Sicilian Clan [Henri Verneuil], April 1970
11 – The Charge of the Light Brigade [Tony Richardson], November 1968
12 – A Walk With Love and Death [John Huston], October 1969
13 – The Rise of Louis XIV [Roberto Rossellini], October-November 1967
14 – Beyond the Valley of the Dolls [Russ Meyer], July 1970
15 – The Madwoman of Chaillot [Bryan Forbes], November 1969
16 – Elizabeth Taylor in The Taming of the Shrew [Franco Zeffirelli], April 1967

John Simon’s blog

Absoludricous Bond non-girl monickers

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We all know women in the James Bond world have ridiculous names. Someone who’s barely significant in a single scene will off-handedly be named something like “Jenny Flex” or “Molly Warmflash”. But after seeing the pivotal butterfly puppeteer assassination in A View To A Kill, I wondered if that scene featured a particularly ridiculously-named man — or if there are ridiculously named men are more common than I think. Here are the ones I came up with (aside from the obvious henchmen: Jaws, Oddjob, Tee Hee, Nick Nack, etc.)

Achille Aubergine (Jean Rougerie, A View To A Kill)

Morton Slumber (David Bauer, Diamonds Are Forever)

Nigel Small-Fawcett (Rowan Atkinson, Never Say Never Again)

Professor Joe Butcher (Wayne Newton, Licence To Kill)

Puss-Feller (Lester Pendergast, Dr. No)

Auric Goldfinger (Gert Fröbe, Goldfinger)

Think about it. That name is horrible. Just idiotic.

Sir Godfrey Tibbett (Patrick Macnee, A View To A Kill)

In A View To A Kill Bond gets an age-appropriate partner for once, MI6’s horse expert Sir Godfrey Tibbett (second from right, above). Roger Moore and Patrick Macnee also once played Holmes and Watson.

Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens, Die Another Day)

It would take an odd sequence of events to produce someone named “Gustav Graves”. This also applies to “Franz Sanchez” (Robert Davi) from Licence to Kill.

Mr. Kil (Lawrence Makoare, Die Another Day)

He’s just a henchman with a nickname. But I wanted to post this picture.

The 12 non-Japanese things that come closest to rhyming with “origami”

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12. Perfect Tommy

11. Kuressaare

10. Carnivàle

9. Hammurabi

8. Gordon Ramsay

7. Porta-Potty

6. Moriarty

5. Fouad Ajami

4. Sorry Charlie

3. Modigliani

2. Saregame

1. Tori Ami

Twenty unimpressive rap boasts

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You can tell this isn’t a Cracked article because it isn’t called “The 20 Most Unimpressive Rap Boasts”.

* * *

1. “I am the Brains and I’m up to par”

– MC Brains, “Oochie Coochie”

Is this something to brag about? Is being “up to par” the best you can do as a rapper, MC Brains?*

2. “Cats who claiming they hard be mad fags
I run through ’em like flood water through sandbags”

– Mos Def, “RE:DEFinition”

The very essence of sandbags is that they are the only thing that flood water doesn’t run through. Also, it’s so disheartening to see a guy who’s been on The Colbert Report and Austin City Limits calling people fags.

3. “You gotta have a brain in order to be Ms. Kane
But in the case of not becoming my lady
I take ’em eight to eighty, dumb, crippled and crazy”

– Big Daddy Kane, “I Get The Job Done”

It’s great that Kane isn’t superficial about the ladies. But he doesn’t need to spread his net quite that wide.

4. “Me, I’ll have a Kahlua and milk
‘Cuz champagne always stains my silk”

– LL Cool J, “Mr. Goodbar”

Something with milk in it is also going to stain your silk. Just admit it — you don’t like champagne, or you’re embarrassed that you can’t tell good from bad. Also, just Kahlua and milk? No vodka? Check out the fourth result of a Google search for “Kahlua and milk”. LL, you’ve outsmoothed yourself.

5. “SkyPager looks like a phaser

That’s the attitude of a Northwest player”

– Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Beepers”

I recognize that having a pager was impressive in 1989, but cannot envision a world where you’d brag about how big your pager is. Even the slimmed-down phasers in Star Trek: TNG were a lot more unwieldy than a normal SkyPager.

I believe this is your beeper, Commander Mix-a-Lot.

6. “You make me really lump up in the pants

Every time I see your sexy ass do that dance”

– Mannie Fresh in “I Got That Fire” by Juvenile

I suppose lumping up in the pants is better than lumping down in the pants. But it doesn’t sound very enticing.

7. “Hold up – there go Wayne, everybody be quiet
Oh my God! He’s driving from the passenger side”

– Lil’ Wayne in “Sunshine” by Juvenile

It’s too easy to pick something from Wayne’s descent into madness, so here’s one from back in 2001. In those lucid days he was already picking odd things to brag about. Congratulations Wayne, you customized your ride to be just like what letter carriers drive.

8. “We ain’t no boys, we grown men
If you ain’t gon’ dance, then don’t, then”

– D-Roc in “Salt Shaker” by Ying Yang Twins

This song is obviously about strippers. Are the Ying Yang Twins really going to let any woman, let alone a stripper, get away with not dancing, without so much as a reprimand?

9. I’m like Elmer J. Fudd, with a mansion and a yacht”

– Nine, “Whutcha Want?”

That sounds OK, but many rappers seem to be able to acquire mansions and yachts without also resembling Elmer Fudd.

10. “I’m the chief rocka, so I guess I am in charge”

– DoItAll Dupré in “Chief Rocka” by Lords of the Underground

You guess you are in charge? Don’t weasel out of your responsibilities. Are you the chief rocka or not?

11. “Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick gots to fit”

– Dr. Dre, “Fuck Wit Dre Day”

Cracked has already addressed this one twice. Below you’ll see a screencap of Eazy-E’s teeth from the “Any Last Werdz” video. Draw your own conclusions.

12. “It ain’t that hard to do a seminar

Some bullshit panel, then we hit the bar”

– Abstract Rude in “L.A. Styles Back” by Abstract Tribe Unique

What kind of seminar? Are you at an academic conference? Why are you denigrating your own discipline as “some bullshit panel”? You could have rejected the invitation to speak, and given a more dedicated scholar a chance to present their work.

13. “I’m the biggest boss that you’ve seen thus far”

– Rick Ross, “The Boss”

Thus far? Since when does Rick Ross acknowledge that there may potentially be bigger bosses than himself?

14. “I don’t need an amplifier, my brain is the amp”

– Kwame, “The Rhythm”

You do need an amplifier, Kwame. If you don’t have an amplifier, no one will hear you over the crowd noise. Your skull has some resonant properties, but it won’t make you louder in any real way.

15. “Weeeelllll, I’m Yelawolf, I got funk galore
You might have a lot of funk, but I got much more”

– Yelawolf and Rich Boy, “Go Crazy”

This is how a sitcom dad would start a rap verse.

Deal with it.

16. “Just like a midget I’m sittin low, and like a snail I’m crawlin slow”

– Paul Wall, “I’m a Playa”

17. “I’m crawlin similar to an ant ‘cuz I’m low to the earth”

– Paul Wall, “Still Tippin'”

It’s hard to make good similes about rolling in a lowrider, but Paul Wall just sounds sad in some of these. How about “I’m creepin slow like a panther”? Anything but a snail. He also describes himself as on “20 inches squatting lower than a midget that crouch”, “crawlin low like a beetle”, and in the same song compares himself to a tarantula [that one’s not bad].

18. “I ain’t no rapper, B, I skeet Uzis
And I can’t act, turned down 3 movies
So gimme your chain, your jewels and your cash
And your fast food, I’ll eat your food fast”

– Cam’ron, “That’s Me”

To be fair, if you’re portraying yourself as an unpredictable hoodlum, this sort of thing is more convincing than talking about eating shrimp with models in a hot tub.

19. “I been an ape, diamonds on the dinner plate
I’m a winner, fish in my crib, I got a winter lake
And the fountain, right
Nope, I won’t pronounce the price
But I’ll be bouncing right near you on a mountain bike
That’s where I hound your wife
She see the four pounds of ice
But the four-pounder right here – BANG! that’s the sound of life”

– Cam’ron, “Living a Lie”

The picture painted here is breathtaking. Cam leaves his snowbound chalet on a blinged-out Cannondale, nods at his groundskeepers and hydraulic engineers, and prepares to entice, then shoot, my wife by drawing attention to his four pounds of diamond jewelry. Pretty impressive. But he’s never going to get a clean shot off if he’s bouncing on his mountain bike. Go to the bike shop and get your fork and suspension springs checked.

20. “We playing golf in the Gulf of New Mexico”

– Cam’ron, “Leave Me Alone Pt. 2”

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT

* * *

answer: yes.

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