Episode Ten: “That’s What You Get For Trying To Kill Me”

In honor of our probably not watching Ringer beyond this week, the recap of Episode Ten will be done in the form of the “liveblog”, which is was so popular nowadays before the invention of Twitter. Here at the Ascetic Guy Mansion we’re fully stocked up on the “Fruit & Seed Crunch” Ryvita that’s only available from the supermarket near home, not the supermarket near work, and we’re drinking egg nog from an Apollo Theater mug.

2 – Opening credits, she says something to Agent Machado, then says something to the audience, not breaking stride.

3 – Ah, that was Charlie’s cell phone Malcolm picked up in the kitchen. I thought it might have just been his own.

Candles! Petals! He looks so silly. Suspenders? Blue shirt with white collar? Is this a Kevin Spacey character? Even in a seduction scene the person talking to Bridget/Siobhan has to tell her something about herself. “I know white roses are your favorite.”

5- Who is this bleating voice? I can’t even search for the lyrics. All the vowels sound like eeee’s. One good thing about network TV shows is that the nudity is always going to be brief.

6 – “Big sister’s watching you.” – Good line from Juliet about the big white face. Yet another split second of suspense, instantly resolved. Juliet is now entirely a good girl w.r.t. her new stepmother.

9 – I refer to Jill as the woman with the great gums. This kid in the ad for … Powerpoint?… is quite charismatic – I like how he shrugs embarrassedly at the more animated moments of his presentation.

10 – Siobhan’s sunglasses are expanding to immense dimensions. Oh, we didn’t need to SEE her faking the black eye. Hey, Tyler realizes that she’s been manipulating him. “I did … at first. But then something happened. I started to have feelings for you. The other stuff doesn’t matter anymore.” Did I write that before or after she said it?

13 – Charlie had GEMMA’s phone. And why would you lock your basement if you didn’t have Gemma in it? Oh, she’s there.

14 – Detective Towers and Detective Saldano show up at John’s place. Apparently John has been using the name Charlie. Of course, it’s Narcotics Anonymous! And he has a secret identity. Of course, he leaves Malcolm at his new place and often goes back to his mother’s old place! Oh, and John is ex-NYPD. And Malcolm was spotted in reality, not in John’s accurate imagination, breaking into his house.

17 – “If Gemma wasn’t in the basement [when they searched his pad], he must have moved her.” Or killed her! Couldn’t she finally be dead? Wow, look at Bridget’s shoes [as the doors close].

18 – John is very upset on the phone with Siobhan right now. He calls Malcolm a “dip”. They have a testy negotiation and she puts up halfhearted resistance to the idea of killing her only friend.

19 – Pantene captures the potential of kasha. Not even the power of kasha, just the potential. And the bottle is made of up to 59% plant-based material. Wow, that could be as much as 59%! Or 0.059%! Might as well say “up to 59% or more”.

21 – Owls dream of Britney Spears in a forest on a ballet stage.

24 – She’s dead! Gemma’s finally dead! But how are all these cops here so fast? Oh, this is another flashback. To the death of the last stripper-informant Agent Carbonell employed. Containing its own flashbacks to when she was alive. She has a much more old-west-hooker look. Big face, Tousled hair the same color as Gemma’s.

26 – Bridget/Siobhan tells Henry she made a mistake by trusting Charlie. Henry points out that the suspects in Gemma’s disappearance are Bridget, whom “Siobhan” brought into their lives, and Charlie, whom “Siobhan” brought into their lives. She tells him she’s also brought a mysterious drug addict named Malcolm into their lives. He points out that none of her detective work is helping. And he has not slept in weeks. Weeks? No sleep? Polaha’s reading of “My kids miss their mom like crazy” somehow makes me believe the kids DON’T miss their mom. Why is he all dressed up?

28 – Mr. C is so hot. He wears ties, and he’s like a thousand. Ties are sexy, and he’s only 30. Anyway, Juliet seems to have found a friend at the public school. Very glamorous African-American girl, great hair.

29 – Charlie came over to visit! Andrew really likes him. Andrew leaves. “Trust me. You’re gonna want me to run these errands.” What are the anniversary presents? The non-negotiable world-class beaches mentioned last week? He starts ordering her around before Andrew’s elevator descends one floor. No messing around, that’s nice. His line now is that this is a ransom situation. And just leaves. Ball in the air loses some of its tension.

32 – Andrew catches her counting up the ransom. She breaks down. Wow that’s a big ring! Looks like a pie crust!

33 – Hart of Dixie looks like fun. Who is this guy with the horrible hair giving all the bald children wigs? I had to mute it.

36 – Suddenly the kidnapping idea seems like what they should have presumed all along. How long has she been missing with no message from the kidnappers? Why did the kidnapper go to Siobhan and Andrew for ransom, and not Tim Arbogast?

37 – Oh, just go away, high school seduction plot. Thank goodness it turns into a confrontation quickly. No, don’t shut the door! Why did you tell Andrea to leave you alone? so you can have a private conversation? Never shut the door when alone with a student! Whose friend just saw her flirting with you! Oh, this isn’t going away.

41 – Charlie uses an excuse [there are cops near the money-handing-over spot, and he warned her not to call the cops – obviously you would expect there to be zero cops in Grand Central Station] to kill Gemma. There’s that pie-crust ring again.

44 – Nexxus Salon Hair Care sure makes Pantene look like a pile of puke. Infinitely gorgeous hair! High concentrations of premium ingredients. Can’t get too many of those!

47 – Henry: “I didn’t know what to do. So I freaked out, and I called the cops.” He sounds like he’s justifying his simple down-to-earth reasoning skills.

48 – Agent Machado and his friend, some other cop, are in Wyoming investigating “the Matador”, the cop who’s on Bodaway’s payroll. The other cop keeps walking behind him. I think he’s going to hit Machado over the head. They keep talking. Oh, instead the other cop points a gun at him. Good thing two other agents appear to neutralize the threat. Scene ends as Machado asks him what really happened when Bridget Kelly ran away.

50 – Juliet is lounging in the middle of her bed like Montgomery Burns when Homer calls him to hang out. Video chat with Andrea. OK, I don’t like that look on her face. She moves her face back and forth preparing to deliver her story. “He forced himself on me.” Instead of Juliet being conniving, I want to see Siobhan being conniving. Please!

52 – Gemma is alive in the trunk. Hits him with a shovel. “You’ve got bad aim.” Oh, now he shoots her again for real. Just after telling her that Siobhan is still alive. Bridget shows up! He thinks she’s Siobhan. He keeps thinking that. She takes his gun. She acts very hard. “You’re not a killer, Siobhan.” Interestingly he says this despite basically being afraid of her. Bridget, meanwhile, may not be scary but she has in fact used a gun before. She finds herself shooting him. Good dynamics of this scene. And now she has to keep a DIFFERENT secret. And Charlie reminds “Siobhan” of yet another thing she should already know – that she is trying to frame Bridget. Could have just gotten rid of her by shooting her! Charlie doesn’t understand the machiavellian scheme either.

56 – On the balcony. Andrew gets a call, Charlie has been found dead, suspected suicide. Gemma also found dead. I thought maybe Bridget was trying to frame the mythical still-on-the-lam Bridget for killing Charlie, much as she framed herself for Gemma’s murder that ended up having not happened, by touching that vase. Whte happened to that?

60 – Over in Paris, Siobhan leaves Tyler, for who knows how long, and with the impression that he’s impregnated her. Bridget now starts believing Siobhan is alive, so that’s the focus of clue-gathering for now. Ends with split-screen on both their faces and Adele’s “Rumour Has It”. One of the most upbeat songs the show has used so far, something of an odd choice.

Conclusion: Many things happened in this episode! Many things! Some strands of plot have finally been resolved! Some people have moved from trying to do one thing, to trying to do something else! Great episode. Still won’t d0 any more recaps, though. If I’m going to watch the rest of the season, or at least watch to see what Siobhan is going to do without Charlie, I need the freedom to totally ignore Juliet. Thank you for your time, everyone. Jalen Rose’s suit.