You can tell this isn’t a Cracked article because it isn’t called “The 20 Most Unimpressive Rap Boasts”.

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1. “I am the Brains and I’m up to par”

– MC Brains, “Oochie Coochie”

Is this something to brag about? Is being “up to par” the best you can do as a rapper, MC Brains?*

2. “Cats who claiming they hard be mad fags
I run through ’em like flood water through sandbags”

– Mos Def, “RE:DEFinition”

The very essence of sandbags is that they are the only thing that flood water doesn’t run through. Also, it’s so disheartening to see a guy who’s been on The Colbert Report and Austin City Limits calling people fags.

3. “You gotta have a brain in order to be Ms. Kane
But in the case of not becoming my lady
I take ’em eight to eighty, dumb, crippled and crazy”

– Big Daddy Kane, “I Get The Job Done”

It’s great that Kane isn’t superficial about the ladies. But he doesn’t need to spread his net quite that wide.

4. “Me, I’ll have a Kahlua and milk
‘Cuz champagne always stains my silk”

– LL Cool J, “Mr. Goodbar”

Something with milk in it is also going to stain your silk. Just admit it — you don’t like champagne, or you’re embarrassed that you can’t tell good from bad. Also, just Kahlua and milk? No vodka? Check out the fourth result of a Google search for “Kahlua and milk”. LL, you’ve outsmoothed yourself.

5. “SkyPager looks like a phaser

That’s the attitude of a Northwest player”

– Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Beepers”

I recognize that having a pager was impressive in 1989, but cannot envision a world where you’d brag about how big your pager is. Even the slimmed-down phasers in Star Trek: TNG were a lot more unwieldy than a normal SkyPager.

I believe this is your beeper, Commander Mix-a-Lot.

6. “You make me really lump up in the pants

Every time I see your sexy ass do that dance”

– Mannie Fresh in “I Got That Fire” by Juvenile

I suppose lumping up in the pants is better than lumping down in the pants. But it doesn’t sound very enticing.

7. “Hold up – there go Wayne, everybody be quiet
Oh my God! He’s driving from the passenger side”

– Lil’ Wayne in “Sunshine” by Juvenile

It’s too easy to pick something from Wayne’s descent into madness, so here’s one from back in 2001. In those lucid days he was already picking odd things to brag about. Congratulations Wayne, you customized your ride to be just like what letter carriers drive.

8. “We ain’t no boys, we grown men
If you ain’t gon’ dance, then don’t, then”

– D-Roc in “Salt Shaker” by Ying Yang Twins

This song is obviously about strippers. Are the Ying Yang Twins really going to let any woman, let alone a stripper, get away with not dancing, without so much as a reprimand?

9. I’m like Elmer J. Fudd, with a mansion and a yacht”

– Nine, “Whutcha Want?”

That sounds OK, but many rappers seem to be able to acquire mansions and yachts without also resembling Elmer Fudd.

10. “I’m the chief rocka, so I guess I am in charge”

– DoItAll Dupré in “Chief Rocka” by Lords of the Underground

You guess you are in charge? Don’t weasel out of your responsibilities. Are you the chief rocka or not?

11. “Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick gots to fit”

– Dr. Dre, “Fuck Wit Dre Day”

Cracked has already addressed this one twice. Below you’ll see a screencap of Eazy-E’s teeth from the “Any Last Werdz” video. Draw your own conclusions.

12. “It ain’t that hard to do a seminar

Some bullshit panel, then we hit the bar”

– Abstract Rude in “L.A. Styles Back” by Abstract Tribe Unique

What kind of seminar? Are you at an academic conference? Why are you denigrating your own discipline as “some bullshit panel”? You could have rejected the invitation to speak, and given a more dedicated scholar a chance to present their work.

13. “I’m the biggest boss that you’ve seen thus far”

– Rick Ross, “The Boss”

Thus far? Since when does Rick Ross acknowledge that there may potentially be bigger bosses than himself?

14. “I don’t need an amplifier, my brain is the amp”

– Kwame, “The Rhythm”

You do need an amplifier, Kwame. If you don’t have an amplifier, no one will hear you over the crowd noise. Your skull has some resonant properties, but it won’t make you louder in any real way.

15. “Weeeelllll, I’m Yelawolf, I got funk galore
You might have a lot of funk, but I got much more”

– Yelawolf and Rich Boy, “Go Crazy”

This is how a sitcom dad would start a rap verse.

Deal with it.

16. “Just like a midget I’m sittin low, and like a snail I’m crawlin slow”

– Paul Wall, “I’m a Playa”

17. “I’m crawlin similar to an ant ‘cuz I’m low to the earth”

– Paul Wall, “Still Tippin'”

It’s hard to make good similes about rolling in a lowrider, but Paul Wall just sounds sad in some of these. How about “I’m creepin slow like a panther”? Anything but a snail. He also describes himself as on “20 inches squatting lower than a midget that crouch”, “crawlin low like a beetle”, and in the same song compares himself to a tarantula [that one’s not bad].

18. “I ain’t no rapper, B, I skeet Uzis
And I can’t act, turned down 3 movies
So gimme your chain, your jewels and your cash
And your fast food, I’ll eat your food fast”

– Cam’ron, “That’s Me”

To be fair, if you’re portraying yourself as an unpredictable hoodlum, this sort of thing is more convincing than talking about eating shrimp with models in a hot tub.

19. “I been an ape, diamonds on the dinner plate
I’m a winner, fish in my crib, I got a winter lake
And the fountain, right
Nope, I won’t pronounce the price
But I’ll be bouncing right near you on a mountain bike
That’s where I hound your wife
She see the four pounds of ice
But the four-pounder right here – BANG! that’s the sound of life”

– Cam’ron, “Living a Lie”

The picture painted here is breathtaking. Cam leaves his snowbound chalet on a blinged-out Cannondale, nods at his groundskeepers and hydraulic engineers, and prepares to entice, then shoot, my wife by drawing attention to his four pounds of diamond jewelry. Pretty impressive. But he’s never going to get a clean shot off if he’s bouncing on his mountain bike. Go to the bike shop and get your fork and suspension springs checked.

20. “We playing golf in the Gulf of New Mexico”

– Cam’ron, “Leave Me Alone Pt. 2”

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT

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answer: yes.

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