Bugle transcript: Lenin’s arse

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In lieu of original content*, here is a tribute to The Bugle, a true paragon of the entertainment the internet makes possible, in its hour of uncertainty: a transcript of one of its greatest moments, a commentary on this story of vandalism outside St. Petersburg’s Finland Station, from episode 70.1 (the Thanksgiving Day 2009 interstitial special). Andy Zaltzman does the anchorman work here, with John Oliver interrupting.

  • Lenin’s arse news now. And Lenin no longer has an arse. A St. Petersburg statue of the former Soviet big cheese – now, of course, very much a dead man – has had its big bronze butt-cheeks unceremoniously blown off by a bomb. Probably let off by a terrorist, or a prankster – pretty hard to tell the difference these days. Lenin – who used his arse for, among other things, sitting on his chair whilst writing Communist diatribes – will now no longer be best remembered for spearheading one of the most significant political revolutions in human history, or even for his advocacy of mass executions, or even for having a head shaped like an egg, or maybe for his dreamy one-handed backhand. Now he will always be known as the guy who had his arse blown off by a bomb.
    So … what a story, John. Has this been big in America or not?
  • No, it hasn’t, Andy.
  • That’s a shame. You’d have thought they’d have jumped all over this.
  • I’m not sure it’s been big anywhere. I think you’ve just seized upon this because you liked it.
  • Come on! A guy blew Lenin a big new arsehole. I cannot believe that after everything that went down in the Cold War the American media has not been all over this.
  • I think this has hit Sir Mix-a-Lot particularly hard.
  • I think McCarthy would be absolutely slapping his own arse in his grave, in delight.
    The statue originally only showed Lenin’s peachy cheeks well covered with a thick Russian overcoat. But the blast has left what can only be described as a massive arsehole in its place. Historians claim that whilst it is more than likely that Lenin did have a posterior sphincter, it is highly unlikely that it was big enough to be mistaken for a bombsite, but that, had he ever been tricked into sitting on a bomb in one of the assassination attempts periodically made against him, the statue as it now is could easily have been quite graphically realistic.
    Lenin’s arse, of course, lived for 53 years, mostly at the top of the backs of his legs – and his embalmed patoot is still on display in the Lenin Arsoleum in Red Square, Moscow. During Soviet times there was, in fact, an annual ceremony in which the Politburo would kidnap the American ambassador, take him down to the mausoleum in the dead of night, pull the Lenin corpse’s trousers down, and make the preserved Communist moon the U.S. dignitary. Experts claim that if Lenin had still been alive today, he would have without doubt had the perpetrator of the arse blast instantly executed for bringing into disrepute Communism’s most important buttocks.
    Interestingly, John –
  • Yes?
  • On the subject –
  • Yes, Andy?
  • Soviet leaders, throughout the history of the USSR, between them averaged two buttocks a man. But that was only because Andropov and Chernenko had three each and Khrushchev had none.
  • I think you’ve got to really take a long, hard look, Andy, at the stories you’re taking inspiration from.

* * *

* This blog has been most useful in my quest to become a better writer. Now I have to do some real research-based writing for my job, so the new rules around here are as follows:

  1. Stop writing things that require any sustained period of intense thought, unless they’re under 500 words long or are part of the “Baseball Movies” series.
  2. Resurrect the “Baseball Movies” series.

Work smarter, not harder — that’s our motto.

Tremendous images of nudity

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We’ve reached the magic 64-post mark, and it’s finally time for the obligatory “search terms that brought people here” post. Here’s a sampling of those that don’t involve confusion over the end of Skyline, confusion over whether Kim Basinger or Brad Pitt or “Sex on Wheels” was in Who Framed Roger Rabbit [no, that was Cool World], animated gifs of Mick McCarthy, the Paisley Panda, Sten Egil Dahl, Björn Vleminckx, the weasels from Roger Rabbit, x-rated animated gifs of Betty Boop, or requests for Jennifer Salt, Margot Kidder, Glynis Johns, Marjorie Woodworth, Joan Blondell, Dame Maggie Smith, or Jessica Rabbit naked.

* * *

Image searches

  • hot women deer hunters devotional posters
  • man with rainbow shooting out of chest
  • cup of pee spilling picture
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  • thug with binoculars
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  • two people being funny
  • small ugly people
  • normal looking people
  • ocean nudity
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  • tremendous images of nudity

Celebrity image searches

  • robert wagner chest
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Beautiful Persian actresses

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  • need room would keep always on video with my one love in the eye have 20 negrons worms in new york
  • food born in 1934 and am still thriving today. as a matter of fact you can find me here in south tampa. although i’m very “normal” , back in 1934 my main product was viewed with some skepticism. what am i?
  • i’d search to the far corners of the ether to find those teutonic lesbian vamps.
  • in the 1930’s people putting something in a bag what?
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  • french betrayal movies mother with a husband with the small
  • red skelton :when roses are red, they’re ready to pluck, when girls are sixteen, they’re ready to
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Lars von Trier’s cruellest trick on the audience yet

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Tjolöholm castle, overlooking Kungsbacka fjord, was built in 1898-1904 in English Tudor style, for Scottish industrialist JF Dickson and his wife Blanche. The carriage museum has many interesting and unique items, for instance a "Hansom Cab" (said to be one of only two of its kind in Sweden) and one of Sweden's earliest electrical vacuum cleaners.

As Melancholia’s epic gloom was resolved, and the Wagner prelude (reorganized by Kristian Eidnes Andersen) fell ambivalently from its massive crest, we watched the credits begin with the major actors’ names. I’m never good at recognizing actors. Kiefer Sutherland? Yes, he was the husband! John Hurt? He must have been the father, I recognize his hair from Ridley Scott’s Nottingham. Alexander Skarsgård must have been the bridegroom [why give him the job of embodying American superficiality and emotional clichés?]. Udo Kier? Who was he? Who was the young guy following Justine around as if in an office farce? That was a hard role to make plausible, and he did it.

The credits progressed, and the cast list came sooner than it normally does. But what’s this? None of the top-billed actors are listed next to their characters. What if I forget someone’s name before I get home? How will I get better at recognizing actors if I still don’t know who Udo Kier was, in the wake of what was undoubtedly a memorable role? [He’s the party planner, the tall old man who angrily puts Justine’s bags on the porch.]

But my discomfort was nothing compared to the man at the end of my row, whose first act after the screen went black was to ask his companion if he knew where that glorious castle was. Neither of them knew. I didn’t know. Repeatedly he leaned forward happily as the credits said something like “Production Manager [Denmark]” or “Casting [Denmark]” or “Accounting [Denmark]”, only to be thrown as it was followed by “Production Manager [Sweden]”, “Production Manager [Germany]”, “Casting [Sweden]”, “Accounting [France]”, et al. Where was it filmed, dammit? Not the interiors, but the terraces, the greensward, the forest. Is this place real? Just before the logos, we finally see it.


What? WHAT?

I told the guy “That’s part of Sweden”. I wasn’t positive, but I know “Göteborg” is a city in Sweden, and the concepts of “Western Götland” and “Eastern Götland” sound familiar. Soon I worried that it might be Finland, being confused between “Östergötland” and “Ostrobothnia”. But there were no Finnish names in the credits. Were there? And how do we know it’s not Denmark? Ö is Swedish, Ø is Norwegian. But which is Danish? Not sure.

So kudos to von Trier for forcing his trademark psychological torment and narrative dissatisfaction into the most basic superstructure of his film.

Ringerblogging 5: The Conspirator

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Episode Seven: “Oh Gawd, There’s Two of Them?”

Best episode so far. Despite the third straight title taken from something Juliet says, there’s no school scenes. There’s one shocking twist that ISN’T a complete cheat, and one that is but is timed perfectly. That occurs when Henry and Andrew are called in for routine questioning about the Gemma Butler murder that’s filling all the front pages. They’re given a picture of Bridget and asked to identify this woman. In separate rooms. Cuts back and forth. They look untroubled. Cuts back and forth. They aren’t staring at the interrogator as if it’s obvious. What’s he thinking? Then in unison they say “Bridget Kelly”. Immediate cut to a day ago. Apparently … she told them she has a sister. Phew! Back to normal.

Continuing to cut between conversations, “Siobhan” shows Agent Machado the evidence of the clever fake phone call she made to Bridget, or Bridget made to her, or any way, it was a message pretending that Bridget was leaving town, earlier that morning. Agent Machado cleverly notes that this call was made a minute or two after the local detectives showed up to bring her and Andrew to Precinct 15, and thus it just might have been made AFTER the detectives showed up, rather than proving that the detectives just missed her. This isn’t mentioned again.

Back up a couple more days, to see how Malcolm escapes his captors, by cleverly waking up after they’ve left the truck unattended and unlocked. Back up 9 more months, to see Malcolm and Bridget celebrate 3 months of sober Bridget. That means right now it’s exactly 12 months sober. Did she mention that at her NYC NA meeting? I forget. They have intimate relations, immediately before and after which Malcolm sternly emphasizes the importance of them not having intimate relations. If we didn’t know they’d had intimate relations, we wouldn’t know that anything’s going through their heads when their eyes meet!

Back to the present. Andrew is understandably concerned, given what he’s found out about Bridget, that Siobhan and he could possibly be contacted by the vicious mobsters who are desperate to find her. Is there any chance of, maybe, the vicious mobsters threatening her family, especially since Siobhan obviously knows where Bridget is? Bridget/Siobhan tells him not to worry. This isn’t mentioned again.

* * *

Bridget needs a detective. As her new sponsor, Charlie’s duty bound to do whatever she wants, though he seems a little threatening now that he’s been given agency. Also she can withhold any information she wants, under the “Too many questions, right?” rule, leaving him risking mprisonment to bring  a woman he’s just met information of unknown relevance. What a guy. Or is he?

Parallel parties commence. Juliet demonstrates her newfound maturity by driving slightly drunk, to save her extremely drunk friend Monica, with whom she’s been allowed to spend the weekend after being banned from seeing Erica. Erica out, Monica in. Meanwhile, a teary festschrift is in progress at the new Hamilton Park Pavilion. Should they cancel this exhibition of Gemma’s architectural might? Should everyone not show up? Malcolm Ward shows up and Bridget/Siobhan faints. Andrew gets a call from Juliet’s teacher. Juliet’s been in a car crash. And worse, she called her teacher instead of her father. He finally says the sentence we knew knew he’d say someday: “You’re cut off.”

He also says this to Bridget/Siobhan, explaining why he wasn’t happy to find out she was pregnant. “We weren’t in a good place. We weren’t speaking, barely having sex anymore … [intake of breath] … getting pregnant seemed like a compliation.” Now, the phrasing of this statement would be ludicrous if they were still not having sex. But … are they … there’s no way. She could … not pull off that impersonation? It’s been … three weeks since Bridget replaced Siobhan. They have to address this soon. We could be in a world where pregnant sex is taboo, that’s fine, but they haven’t made that clear.

And speaking of pregnancy, she’s about to get a sonogram when the episode ends! What what?!

And speaking of the episode ending, this is the good part. Charlie is creeping around the airport long-term lot and breaking into Gemma’s car. Why did he ask Bridget where the car was anyway? This is doomed. Any minute a security guard is going to lay a hand on his shoulder. He wipes up a blood drop in the trunk, and makes a phone call. He reports that there’s no clues except his own blood. Gemma hit him with her bag when he abducted her. What what?!? He’s reporting to Siobhan. Oh man!! So that’s why he approached Bridget at the NA meeting back in episode whatever that was. Oh wow!! So that’s why he seemed to be reciting the addict script by rote. So that’s why they got legendary soap badboy Billy Miller to be what appeared to be Siobhan’s hanger-on and hopeless suitor. He hangs up and the interesting thing, for a viewer, is that we go from being sure he’s going to get picked up by security, to being positive that he isn’t. This paragraph is entirely sincere.

Twenty unimpressive rap boasts

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You can tell this isn’t a Cracked article because it isn’t called “The 20 Most Unimpressive Rap Boasts”.

* * *

1. “I am the Brains and I’m up to par”

– MC Brains, “Oochie Coochie”

Is this something to brag about? Is being “up to par” the best you can do as a rapper, MC Brains?*

2. “Cats who claiming they hard be mad fags
I run through ’em like flood water through sandbags”

– Mos Def, “RE:DEFinition”

The very essence of sandbags is that they are the only thing that flood water doesn’t run through. Also, it’s so disheartening to see a guy who’s been on The Colbert Report and Austin City Limits calling people fags.

3. “You gotta have a brain in order to be Ms. Kane
But in the case of not becoming my lady
I take ’em eight to eighty, dumb, crippled and crazy”

– Big Daddy Kane, “I Get The Job Done”

It’s great that Kane isn’t superficial about the ladies. But he doesn’t need to spread his net quite that wide.

4. “Me, I’ll have a Kahlua and milk
‘Cuz champagne always stains my silk”

– LL Cool J, “Mr. Goodbar”

Something with milk in it is also going to stain your silk. Just admit it — you don’t like champagne, or you’re embarrassed that you can’t tell good from bad. Also, just Kahlua and milk? No vodka? Check out the fourth result of a Google search for “Kahlua and milk”. LL, you’ve outsmoothed yourself.

5. “SkyPager looks like a phaser

That’s the attitude of a Northwest player”

– Sir Mix-a-Lot, “Beepers”

I recognize that having a pager was impressive in 1989, but cannot envision a world where you’d brag about how big your pager is. Even the slimmed-down phasers in Star Trek: TNG were a lot more unwieldy than a normal SkyPager.

I believe this is your beeper, Commander Mix-a-Lot.

6. “You make me really lump up in the pants

Every time I see your sexy ass do that dance”

– Mannie Fresh in “I Got That Fire” by Juvenile

I suppose lumping up in the pants is better than lumping down in the pants. But it doesn’t sound very enticing.

7. “Hold up – there go Wayne, everybody be quiet
Oh my God! He’s driving from the passenger side”

– Lil’ Wayne in “Sunshine” by Juvenile

It’s too easy to pick something from Wayne’s descent into madness, so here’s one from back in 2001. In those lucid days he was already picking odd things to brag about. Congratulations Wayne, you customized your ride to be just like what letter carriers drive.

8. “We ain’t no boys, we grown men
If you ain’t gon’ dance, then don’t, then”

– D-Roc in “Salt Shaker” by Ying Yang Twins

This song is obviously about strippers. Are the Ying Yang Twins really going to let any woman, let alone a stripper, get away with not dancing, without so much as a reprimand?

9. I’m like Elmer J. Fudd, with a mansion and a yacht”

– Nine, “Whutcha Want?”

That sounds OK, but many rappers seem to be able to acquire mansions and yachts without also resembling Elmer Fudd.

10. “I’m the chief rocka, so I guess I am in charge”

– DoItAll Dupré in “Chief Rocka” by Lords of the Underground

You guess you are in charge? Don’t weasel out of your responsibilities. Are you the chief rocka or not?

11. “Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick gots to fit”

– Dr. Dre, “Fuck Wit Dre Day”

Cracked has already addressed this one twice. Below you’ll see a screencap of Eazy-E’s teeth from the “Any Last Werdz” video. Draw your own conclusions.

12. “It ain’t that hard to do a seminar

Some bullshit panel, then we hit the bar”

– Abstract Rude in “L.A. Styles Back” by Abstract Tribe Unique

What kind of seminar? Are you at an academic conference? Why are you denigrating your own discipline as “some bullshit panel”? You could have rejected the invitation to speak, and given a more dedicated scholar a chance to present their work.

13. “I’m the biggest boss that you’ve seen thus far”

– Rick Ross, “The Boss”

Thus far? Since when does Rick Ross acknowledge that there may potentially be bigger bosses than himself?

14. “I don’t need an amplifier, my brain is the amp”

– Kwame, “The Rhythm”

You do need an amplifier, Kwame. If you don’t have an amplifier, no one will hear you over the crowd noise. Your skull has some resonant properties, but it won’t make you louder in any real way.

15. “Weeeelllll, I’m Yelawolf, I got funk galore
You might have a lot of funk, but I got much more”

– Yelawolf and Rich Boy, “Go Crazy”

This is how a sitcom dad would start a rap verse.

Deal with it.

16. “Just like a midget I’m sittin low, and like a snail I’m crawlin slow”

– Paul Wall, “I’m a Playa”

17. “I’m crawlin similar to an ant ‘cuz I’m low to the earth”

– Paul Wall, “Still Tippin'”

It’s hard to make good similes about rolling in a lowrider, but Paul Wall just sounds sad in some of these. How about “I’m creepin slow like a panther”? Anything but a snail. He also describes himself as on “20 inches squatting lower than a midget that crouch”, “crawlin low like a beetle”, and in the same song compares himself to a tarantula [that one’s not bad].

18. “I ain’t no rapper, B, I skeet Uzis
And I can’t act, turned down 3 movies
So gimme your chain, your jewels and your cash
And your fast food, I’ll eat your food fast”

– Cam’ron, “That’s Me”

To be fair, if you’re portraying yourself as an unpredictable hoodlum, this sort of thing is more convincing than talking about eating shrimp with models in a hot tub.

19. “I been an ape, diamonds on the dinner plate
I’m a winner, fish in my crib, I got a winter lake
And the fountain, right
Nope, I won’t pronounce the price
But I’ll be bouncing right near you on a mountain bike
That’s where I hound your wife
She see the four pounds of ice
But the four-pounder right here – BANG! that’s the sound of life”

– Cam’ron, “Living a Lie”

The picture painted here is breathtaking. Cam leaves his snowbound chalet on a blinged-out Cannondale, nods at his groundskeepers and hydraulic engineers, and prepares to entice, then shoot, my wife by drawing attention to his four pounds of diamond jewelry. Pretty impressive. But he’s never going to get a clean shot off if he’s bouncing on his mountain bike. Go to the bike shop and get your fork and suspension springs checked.

20. “We playing golf in the Gulf of New Mexico”

– Cam’ron, “Leave Me Alone Pt. 2”


* * *

answer: yes.